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Divorce - When the Unbreakable Breaks Down
(A sermon preached January 17, 2010 at University United Methodist Church,
East Lansing, by John Ross Thompson.)
Many of you know that we are in the midst of a sermon series on topics that
we usually don’t preach about, but should. Two weeks ago I preached on money,
and it was NOT during a financial campaign. Last week, Pastor Kennetha preached
on power. This week we come to a topic that is painfully known to most of us –
divorce.
Jesus spoke clearly about divorce in Matthew.
Matthew 19: 3-9
3 Some
Pharisees came to Jesus, and to test him they asked, "Is it lawful for a man to
divorce his wife for any cause?" 4 He
answered, "Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning "made
them male and female,' 5 and
said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 So
they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together,
let no one separate." 7 They
said to him, "Why then did Moses command us to give a certificate of dismissal
and to divorce her?" 8 He
said to them, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to
divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And
I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unfaithfulness, and marries
another commits adultery."
Marriage is for keeps. It is clear from the Bible
and from the teachings of Jesus.
It’s a covenant between two people for a lifetime.
It’s the most intimate and the most sustaining relationship that many people
ever have.
Having performed more than 400 weddings in my
ministry, I have thought a lot about the meaning and the purpose of marriage.
I have focused in one way or another with those couples on the vows that they
would give to each other – vows that promise they will be faithful to each other
until death. One thing I’m delighted with is that the average age of persons
being married for the first time is now in their late 20’s or early 30’s, a time
when they know themselves much better, and they know their marriage partner
better. This leads to much more solid marriages.
Most of us can quote these wedding vows by heart,
but how many of us believe them? “For better for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”
Marriage should be available to all persons. Not
all persons want to be married or would make good marriage partners, but for
those who want to form a lifelong partnership, marriage is a solid foundation
for each of us and for our whole society.
Jesus was talking to people who sometimes took
marriage lightly. They gave the excuse that Moses permitted them to divorce, so
therefore wasn’t it okay?
Jesus responded with some of his most emphatic
words – that marriage is a lasting covenant. It unites two people into one
flesh, one new family, and is meant to last for a lifetime.
So, for those who choose to be married and find the
right person, we celebrate marriage. We celebrate marriage as a voluntary union
of two people that is unbreakable.
(At this point in the worship service, Lisa and
Peter Berg came to the altar table, toasted each other with glasses, then
wrapped the glasses in cloth, turned their backs to each other, and broke the
glasses by stepping on them. They then left the altar area and went to
different locations, symbolizing a break in their relationship.)
There are multiple reasons why Jewish persons break
a glass at their wedding ceremonies, but most of them relate to the reality that
there is brokenness in the world and often in relationships.
I know what you are probably thinking. If marriage is so unbreakable, why do
50% of the marriages in our country break down? And if they do break down, does
that mean that those who divorce are not acting in a Christian way?
And, if Jesus spoke so clearly on this subject, why don’t preachers preach
about it? Paul did!
1 Corinthians 7: 10-16
10 To
the married I give this command—not I but the Lord—that the wife should not
separate from her husband 11 (but
if she does separate, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her
husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. 12 To
the rest I say—I and not the Lord—that if any believer has
a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not
divorce her. 13 And
if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with
her, she should not divorce him. 14 For
the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife
is made holy through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but
as it is, they are holy. 15 But
if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so; in such a case the brother
or sister is not bound. It is to peace that God has called you. 16 Wife,
for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you
might save your wife.
The best way I know how to respond to the breakdown of the unbreakable is to
tell part of my life story.
I was married in 1967 and was married for 24 years before we divorced. In the
early 1970’s we became parents of three wonderful children, who still are the
delight of our lives, along with their families.
From the beginning of our marriage, my wife had periodic outbursts. She at
times was abusive – emotionally, verbally and physically. We tried medication,
counseling and hospitalization, with no lasting results. For twenty years we
had no diagnosis for her. It turned out that she is bipolar, and also has
confusion about sexual orientation.
Not knowing any such diagnosis for all those years and thinking that love
could conquer anything, I thought if I tried harder to be a good husband that we
could make it. A majority of the time our life was okay, but the times when she
was out of control became increasingly damaging to me and to the children.
Through it all, I was committed to the “For better, for worse, for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do we part” vows I had taken.
The idea of divorce was not an option, I believed.
One day a school guidance counselor call to tell me that our 13-year-old
daughter had made suicidal comments related to the family problems. That put me
over the edge. I could live with an unstable wife, but I could not handle one of
my children on the verge of suicide.
The divorce was the most difficult decision of my life, but it has given all
of us more harmony, and it led my former wife to seek other forms of treatment
and a more stable life.
Sometimes, there are choices before us that all look bad. Sometimes two
wrong things collide with each other and we need to choose the one that is less
wrong. Our United Methodist Social Principles statement about abortion talks
about “tragic choices of life against life” that sometimes come. Those tragic
choices often happen in our relationships as well.
I remember well years ago when divorced persons were not accepted in many
churches. I even know of a person who in recent years was denied membership in
a church because her parents were divorced. Those who follow Christ can be
judgmental about others, when they don’t know the reasons or the background that
may have caused a person to choose divorce. The stigma about divorce is
lessening, but it is still here.
I believe that divorce is probably too easy today. It is too culturally
acceptable. However, when we speak about divorce as wrong, we should not look
upon those who are divorced as sinners. None of us knows all that happens in a
marriage except the two persons who were married. Often, the divorce is caused
by a quick or early decision to get married, and not by what happened during the
marriage. There is nothing that can be done to make some persons thrive in
their marriage if the choice of a marriage partner was the mistake.
The bottom line is that Jesus accepted divorce. He spoke against it,
imploring his follows not to divorce, but even in the passage I read, he said
that unfaithfulness was grounds for divorce. The 1 Corinthians text also lifts
up marriage and encourages persons to stay with their marriage partners even if
they don’t share the same values, but it, too, recognizes the reality of
divorce. Verse 15 helps us understand what God wants for us. “If
the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so; in such a case the brother or
sister is not bound. It is to peace that God has called you.”
I believe the church should stand for the life-giving principles that Jesus
gave, such as life-long marriages. But I also strongly believe that it should
not reject or condemn those who make difficult life choices, such as divorce.
In many cases, divorce is a better alternative than staying in a destructive
marriage.
The church as a loving community should care for those who undergo divorce,
and continue to enfold them in its fellowship. They have made a difficult
decision, a life-wrenching decision, but they are still whole persons seeking to
follow what Jesus has taught. In fact, in light of tragedies such as divorces,
they need the ministry and love of the church all the more.
We all know persons who have been divorced. Many of us have been divorced.
Most of us have family members who have divorced. I believe Jesus would have us
encourage lifelong marriage, but reach out in love to all those for whom that
did not happen. The God who created us “for each other” wants us to live in
loving, stable relationships.
If two persons cannot live in peace and harmony with each other, it does not
mean that they cannot find happiness with another person or as a single person.
Today we will celebrate Holy Communion as a healing sacrament. Peter and
Lisa Berg, who a few moments ago symbolized the breaking of a marriage, will now
return and we will symbolize the church gathering around them in love to help
them move on with their lives.
Tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr., Day. One of his most quoted statements
is "Darkness cannot drive darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive
out hate; only love can do that."
As we celebrate Holy Communion, we ask you to pray for those who are in
troubled marriages, for those you know who have been divorced, and for new
marriages and relationships. Also pray for children and others who have been
affected by divorce. Come, help us to celebrate the new life that God brings
even in the midst of brokenness.’
We also invite you to come on Wednesday evenings (dinner at 5;30 p.m.,
classes at 6:30 p.m.) for our Sermon Talk Back sessions, in which we discuss
topics like this. As always, if you want to talk, call one of your pastors or a
Stephen minister from our church. We are here to help each other.
Lord, take our brokenness and make us whole. Help us to help each other, and
to lean on your grace and forgiveness as we seek in all things to do your will.
Heal us, help us to reach out to others in our need, and make us the Christian
community that is needed in this hurting world.
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